A Man’s Guide To The Embarrassment Of Buying Lingerie

Lets face it, we men are obsessed with women’s bodies and yet if I needed to tell someone the size of her breasts the best I could probably muster would be “just about right” and if she were to ask me right now what her dress size was I would probably mutter that it didn’t make her bum look big at all. This is in part due to my ever-present attempt to gain brownie points and not spend the night sleeping in the kitchen with the dog, but it is one big part due to my ignorance. Ask her what size my waist is and she could tell you without a second’s hesitation. It really isn’t that difficult to find out this information either and the list of instructions on how to find out would consist solely of:

1 – Open cupboard door.

2 – Remove appropriate garment.

3 – Check the label and make mental note of size.

Even my brain could cope with that first thing in the morning but despite telling myself I should do it I never actually remember to. This could partially be because there is something installed in the back of my brain that tells me the second I remove her bra and start ferreting around inside it, her mother is bound to burst down the front door unannounced and catch me in the act of apparently sniffing, or worse still putting on, her beloved daughter’s bra. This really isn’t a situation I want to find myself in but if I want to please her (my partner, not her mother) then I should do it. In fact, every man should do it. Go to your wife or girlfriend’s closet and find out her bra size. Write it on a piece of paper and secrete it in your wallet if necessary.

Of course, even once I know the size of her bra that doesn’t make the actual selection any easier. As a general rule of thumb, I’m led to believe that a black latex nurse’s outfit is not considered to be either lingerie or indeed comfortable so I will try to steer clear of that as far as possible, no matter how appealing they look. I will try my utmost to ensure that whatever I buy will not only please me but will make my partner feel sexy as well. This should imply that she will be able to move comfortably and bits don’t poke out when she lifts an arm or tries to sit down, or more importantly lie down.

Visiting any shop that has lingerie in is bound to be a big deal the first time I try it but I’m a grown man and I should be able to cope. The sales assistant probably won’t think that the stuff I buy is for me unless I say something embarrassingly stupid and wear fake breasts. In fact, there’s a very good chance she’s dealt with people like me, and people like you, on a fairly regular basis. You know, the kind of person who skulks around by the knickers looking around shiftily and sweating a lot. In fact, come to think of it, it’s probably best if I don’t do that, and just head straight over to her instead. She will probably be very helpful.

I saw a sign in a lingerie shop that I passed three times the other day and it said they would gift wrap the item. I decided there and then that if I ever built up the courage to go into the shop and actually buy any lingerie, instead of keeping walking past it, I would definitely take advantage of that offer. I think being confronted by me carrying a Christmas cracker wrapped present and a proud smile like your son or daughter gets the first time they pee on their own would probably detract from the overall romanticism of the gesture. Besides, I wouldn’t have to carry it home in a way that meant others might be able to see what I’d bought.

I can’t wait to finally see her wearing the new lingerie I buy. I guess the only thing that’s left to do now is actually to find out her size and go and buy something appropriate, that is not a latex nurse’s outfit.

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